The thought of talking dirty can be daunting. We don’t want to sound stupid and we don’t want things to become awkward. I give you four good reasons why it’s worth giving dirty talk a try anyway.
In films you hardly ever hear anyone talk dirty during sex. Most characters apparently just magically know where to touch their partners in order to make them groan under their snow-white linen. The next morning, they stand in the kitchen with a satisfied smile on their face, wearing their partner’s oversized shirt, smiling, holding a cup of coffee. I don’t know whose sex life looks like that, but film makers seem to love that stuff.
Porn isn’t doing a better job when it comes to depicting dirty talk. The actor’s lines are usually not very creative and once the action starts you see very explicit pictures, but don’t hear much or even any explicit language.
We need inspiration in the language department
And even literature isn’t a big help when it comes to dirty talk. If you’re reading a novel in which a sex scene is described and not just hinted at, you’re lucky (though that probably means you are reading erotica and know how lucky you are).
Looking for a good novel in which characters talk during sex or flirt in a very explicit way is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t many novels that transport erotic energy, but this doesn’t help us when we’re looking for inspiration in the language department.
The fear of embarrassment creates silence in the bedroom
It is no wonder that the thought of talking dirty can be daunting. We are clearly lacking role models. We don’t know what other people say before or during sex and we certainly don’t want to sound stupid. We don’t want things to become awkward and that fear of embarrassment creates silence in the bedroom.
However, there are very good reasons why it’s worth giving dirty talk a try:
1.Dirty talk can make your sex life better
Well if that isn’t the best reason to start talking dirty then I don’t know what is?!
Dirty talk often functions as an oral lubricant. It can set the mood and be a huge turn on.
Why not, for example, ask your loved one after dinner “What’s for dessert?” in the right voice. It might make your evening slightly more interesting than if you turn the TV on.
How on earth should your sex partner know what you’re in the mood for right now if you’re not telling them? They probably aren’t mind readers. So tell them! Most people appreciate it when their sex partners do not just know what they want but are also able to communicate that. And if your partner is into what you’re proposing in your sexy voice, well then you are both getting what you want. Enjoy!
2.Dirty talk can be so much fun
Dirty talk doesn’t just have to be limited to the bedroom. If you’re sending a naughty text to your sex partner that counts as dirty talk, too. It can be so much fun imagining the other person’s facial expression while they’re reading your text in the office.
And who says that you need to stick to standard lines? If it feels right to you, let yourself go and be creative! Nothing is better for great sex then humour and laughter!
3.Dirty talk can help you feel safer
No matter what sexual history you have, most of us can feel quite vulnerable in sexual situations. If you’re able to say what you want and what you’re into out loud you end up feeling in control and therefore that will make you feel safer. Feeling safe and in control won’t guarantee you great sex, but it certainly is one of the main ingredients for pleasure.
4. Dirty talk is empowering
We’ve all grown up in a world where sex is more or less taboo. We were told in an implicit or explicit way that our desires are wrong and something to be ashamed of. This shame that was put in our minds is what makes talking dirty challenging (and it’s also the reason why we’re calling it “dirty” talk in the first place. There is nothing dirty about expressing yourself in a sexual way!). So if you’re able to ignore this inner voice and learn to accept and love your desires, you will start being able to communicate with more ease. It might be a process, but it’s worth giving it a try. Once your sexual vocabulary grows and you’ll start speaking “fluently”, you’ll feel massively empowered, believe me!
Need some help with this? Check out my workshop on Dirty Talk here.
About the author:
Ursula Spindler (MA Sexuality Studies) qualified as a sex counsellor (isp) in 2017.
She is currently studying integrative psychotherapy in London and loves snails, coffee and sex-positive feminism.