How to reconnect with your partner sexually

Today’s headlines were all about a study that showed that British people are having less sex than they used to. Like many sexperts and relationship counsellors have commented, I would also argue that quality is more important than quantity. Nonetheless, if you are seeking more and/or better sex, here’s some expert advice on how to achieve that.

Source: Image by Tina Franklin
Source: Image by Tina Franklin

Let’s get straight to it. If you’re in a relationship that has become sexless without you wanting it to be that way, there are quite simple things you can try in order to reconnect with your partner.

My advice is that you should try to not just connect with your partner on a physical level, but also on an emotional level. Here are some ideas how you could do that:

connecting on an emotional level

  • Listening exercise: You only need 20 quiet minutes for this exercise.
    Each person gets 10 minutes in order to talk about whatever they want. The other person just listens and doesn’t say a word. Sit in front of each other so that you can look each other in the eyes. After 10 minutes you switch and it’s the other person’s turn. Afterwards: Don’t comment, please. Just let it be.
    I recommend using a timer for this exercise.

    This listening exercise is a great way to communicate well with each other and connect on an emotional level. Often in relationships there is one partner who talks more than the other. This exercise gives the quieter person time to be heard.
  • Meditation: If you like to meditate, a couple’s meditation is a great way to connect with each other without saying a word. You can find guided couple’s meditations online or on apps such as Insight Timer (it’s free and a fantastic resource for guided meditations from all over the world).
  • Date Night: Make time for each other. Schedule regular date nights. Do things you used to enjoy together and haven’t made time for anymore. You deserve this!
  • Switch the TV off: Talk to each other instead.

connecting on a physical level

Schedule physical time with each other. Let’s say every Sunday evening for example. Maybe you think it would be awkward to be physical ‘on schedule’. Yes, sure, but there are ways to take it slow, be mindful and make it fun.

  • What You Wish For: Why not surprise each other?! Every week one partner has a wish. It could be a massage, naked cuddling, whatever both of you (!) feel comfortable with. If you don’t feel fine doing what your partner wished for, it is a great chance for you to communicate. What makes you uncomfortable about the idea? What else could you do that you would both enjoy? Be creative and don’t forget: The week after, it’s your turn.
    A naked massage can easily lead to wonderful sex, it doesn’t have to, but there’s a good chance. There are times when we just need to relearn slowly how to touch each other in order to become (com)passionate lovers again.
  • Game Night: There are lots of fun games for adults out there! Have a look at your local sex shop or invent a game yourself. Laughter is so important for a good and healthy sex life! Have fun!
  • Dance: At home, at a local concert, at a club – shake it up together! All these endorphins!
  • Masturbate: Don’t forget about that one. Don’t expect to be able to connect with your partner on a physical level if you’re not connecting with yourself, your body and your sexuality.

You are both responsible for your sex life and there is no shame in contacting a relationship or sex counsellor/therapist if you think it might make things better.

There is also no shame in not having sex if you’re both happy with it!

Sex is a form of communication

Sex is a form of communication. It can be a way to tell your partner that you love them, that you desire them, that you two are more than parents, that you are more than your jobs, more than your disability, etc. Sex can say so much. Even if the person you're having sex with isn't your partner - it is still a form of communication. Maybe it is a way of telling yourself how much you deserve this, how much you love yourself, that you are an erotic being. And you're also communicating with the person(s) you're sleeping with. There is no such thing as "just sex", something that is "just physical". Emotions always play into it, whatever your heart does, your mind is always there.

Yeah, orgasms are a pretty good reason to have sex and reconnect with your partner, but I would say good communication is an even better one.

About the author:

Ursula Spindler is a writer and workshop facilitator. Her work is about sex, sexualities, relationships and communication.

She lives in South-East England and loves snails, coffee and sex-positive feminism.